Index ⇒ Fun & Jokes ⇒ Adult (18+) jokes thread

[guardsman]

One night, a little boy walked into his father's bedroom only to catch his dad sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. In an attempt to hide his full erection with the condom on it, the father bent over and pretended to look under the bed. The boy asked curiously "Whatcha doin' daddy?" His father quickly answers "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed!" The boy replies "Whatcha gonna do, fμck him?"

[guardsman]

Three old men were sitting in a park bench complaining. The first old man says "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half of my coffee on my toast." The second old man says "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off." The third old man says "My hands shake so bad that when I went to pee after getting up, I came when I took my penis out!"

[annoyment]

Ahahaha, I shake so bad from this one Also got cable TV now so that I have a reason more for shaking
BTW check yer PM guard
Windows is shutting down

[guardsman]

I'm glad to have put a smile on your face, annoyment~!


A married woman says to her single friend "My sex life stinks." Her friend asks "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?" The woman answers "Once and I saw rage." Her friend asks "Why would he be angry during sex?" The wife replies "Because he was looking through the window at us!"

[guardsman]

One night, a man was on his first date with a notoriously loose woman. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after he parked his car. The fondling went on and he put his hand down in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected yelling "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!" To which her date replies "That's no ring. ... That's my watch!"

[guardsman]

One day, an 80 year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. The old man boasts "I've never been better! I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that, doc?" The doctor considered this for a moment and then says "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry and grabbed his umbrella by mistake instead of his rifle. He was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" Dumbfounded, the old man says "No." The doctor continues "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" The old man exclaims "That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear!" The doctor replies "That's kind of what I'm getting at ..."

[user43687]

Hahaha! That's another good one! Thanks

[guardsman]

I'm glad that you guys enjoyed that one~!


And now, on with this week's joke ...

Business was very good at a local whorehouse. So much so that the madam decided to partition one of the larger rooms located upstairs. After the work was complete, the carpenter asked for payment but was blown off. After several weeks of calling, he still hadn't been paid. He regularly threatened "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." Finally, the madam offered to pay him in trade. She told him "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her." The carpenter answers "I'll take you." Surprised, the madam says "Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks." The carpenter tells her "I want you." He took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her asshole. Shocked, the madam shrieks "What are you doing?" The carpenter replies " I told you before - Pay me or I'll rip out the partition!"

[guardsman]

One night during a wild party at a farm house, a woman had too much to drink and strolled outside for some fresh air. Staggering onto a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. The woman was almost asleep when a bull, searching for some clover, barely stepped over her face while dragging his penis across it. Groggily, she raised her head and says "One at a time boys, one at a time."

[guardsman]

One day, a doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled out a rectal thermometer from his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and says "Well that's just great ... Some asshole's got my pen!"

[user43687]

One day, a doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled out a rectal thermometer from his shirt pocket and tried to write with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and says "Well that's just great ... Some asshole's got my pen!"

Hahahaha, that's a great one!

[guardsman]

... Hahahaha, that's a great one!

I'm glad that you enjoyed it~!


Now for this week's joke ...

One afternoon in a park, a man sits on a bench across from a beautiful, blonde woman wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his best efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes that she is not wearing any underwear. The blonde realizes that he is staring and asks "Are you looking at my pussy?!" Embarrassed, the man answers "Yes, I'm sorry." as he tries to avert his eyes. The woman tells him "It's quite alright. It's very talented - Watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough, the pussy blows the man a kiss. The man is completely absorbed and asks what else her amazing pussy can do. The blonde says "I can also make it wink." The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him. She then says "Come and sit next to me" while patting the seat near her. The man slides over and is asked by the woman "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?" Shocked, the man replies "Holy shit! Can it whistle too?!"

[guardsman]

One morning, a five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn while drinking a beer. A preacher who lived across the street noticed the beer and came over to admonish the kid. The preacher asks "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" The boy says "That's nothing!" After taking another swig of beer, the boy continues "I got laid when I was three." Surprised, the preacher asks "What?! How did that happen?" The boy replies "I don't remember. I was drunk!"

[user43687]

One morning, a five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn while drinking a beer. A preacher who lived across the street noticed the beer and came over to admonish the kid. The preacher asks "Aren't you a little young to be drinking, son?" The boy says "That's nothing!" After taking another swig of beer, the boy continues "I got laid when I was three." Surprised, the preacher asks "What?! How did that happen?" The boy replies "I don't remember. I was drunk!"

Hahahaha, and another real good one, thanks a lot man! Somehow I always click first on this topic when I see it's updated and this is why

[guardsman]

I'm glad to hear that and you're most welcome, UberLamer! I just hope that I can continue to roll out the hits~!


Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says "I need to be honest with you, I'm going to get a boob job." The second woman tells her "Oh that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!" Surprised, the first woman replies "Whoa! I'm having a hard time picturing your husband as a blonde!"