Index ⇒ Fun & Jokes ⇒ Adult (18+) jokes thread

[user43687]

[guardsman]

One evening, a man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic themed condoms. Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces his purchase to his wife. Confused, his wife says "Olympic condoms? What makes them so special?" The man tells her "There are three colors - Gold, Silver and Bronze." His wife asks cheekily "What color are you going to wear tonight?" The man proudly answers "Gold, of course." His wife replies "Really? Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change!"

[guardsman]

One day, a man married a woman. Unfortunately his penis was too small, so every time when they had sex, he used a pickle instead of his penis. For seven years, he was using a pickle with his wife during sex. One night his wife suspects that something is wrong, so while they are having sex, she quickly threw up the covers and turned on the lights! The wife sees the pickle and screams "What the fμck is that? Are you using a pickle on me?! I'm shocked - For seven years you have been doing that to me, you piece of shit." The man replies "Shut the fμck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the Hell all those kids came from!"

[guardsman]

As two men are playing tennis, one man falls, hits his elbow and decides to go to a doctor. His friend says "Don't waste any money on a doctor. Just go inside the pharmacy down the street, put $10 into the machine in the corner wall, piss in the cup provided by the machine, put the cup back into the machine, let it do its thing and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have and how to fix it". Curious, the injured man goes down to the store, puts ten dollars into the machine in the corner wall, pisses into the dispensed cup, returns the cup to the machine and takes the piece of paper that comes out of the machine. As the man looks at the paper, he can see that it reads "You have Tennis Elbow. Buy the following ointment cream and apply it on your elbow 3-4 times a daily". The man buys the ointment cream from the pharmacist. When he goes home, he wonders how the machine knows what was wrong and wanted to see if the machine is a real miracle worker. So the next day, the man waits patiently and stealthily collects his sister's piss, brother's piss, dog's piss and then jerks-off all into one cup. He returns to the pharmacy, puts ten dollars in the machine, pours the contents of his cup into the dispensed cup and places the dispensed cup back into the machine. A paper then comes out from the machine which reads "Your sister has Gonorrhea, your brother is gay, your dog has Worms and if you keep masturbating like that you'll never cure that Tennis Elbow."

[user43687]

I needed a good laugh today, thanks a lot guardsman!

[guardsman]

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams. Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. The doctor starts to explain "The good news is that your fiance has a particular strain of Gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before." The man's face turned pale and he says "If that's the good news then what the hell is the bad news?!" The doctor continues "The bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet.

[user43687]

[guardsman]

[guardsman]

In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He suggested that she try withdraw, douches or condoms. Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three young children when she happened to run across her old doctor. The doctor says "I see you decided not to take my advice." while eyeing the three young children. The woman replies "On the contrary, doc. David here was a pullout, Darla was a washout and Diana was a blowout!"

[guardsman]

Two friends had just gotten divorced and each man swore that they would never have anything to do with women again. They decided to move to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him "Give us each enough supplies to last for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies, he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The two friends asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you guys are going there are no women and you might need this." They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader answered "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. The two men agreed and left. The next year, one of the friends comes into the trader's store and says "Give me enough supplies to last me for one year." The trader wonders "Weren't you in here last year with a friend?" The man tells him "Yeah." Curious, the traders asks "Where is he?" The man answers "I killed him." Shocked, the trader further asks "Why?" The man replies "I caught him in bed fμcking around with my board!"

[user43687]

[guardsman]

[guardsman]

Two police officers, one male and one female, had been assigned to walk a beat. They had only been out on the streets for a short while when the female officer exclaims "Oh shit! I was running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get them." Her male partner answered "We don't have to go back. Just let Fido, the K-9 unit, have one sniff and he will go back and fetch them for you." It was a hot day and the female officer didn't feel like walking all the way back to the station, so she lifted up her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After ten seconds of sniffing, the police dog's ears perk up, he sniffs the wind and he is off in a flash towards the station house. Five minutes go by and there is no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass and the dog is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass and the partners are starting to worry. Twenty minutes pass and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get louder and louder, suddenly followed by a dozen police cars. The two can hear their fellow officers screaming obscenities in the distance. All of the chaos finally makes sense when Fido rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth!

[Delacroix]

Shit, guess now we know how the female officer managed to secure her promotions lol!

[guardsman]