Index ⇒ Fun & Jokes ⇒ Adult (18+) jokes thread

[user43687]

thanks for these Guardsman ! Really enjoyable !

[guardsman]

:D thanks for these Guardsman ! Really enjoyable !

I'm glad that you're enjoying the jokes~! Like the old saying goes "Laughter is the best medicine."


If you think life is bad - How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes four minutes to get hard and only one minute
to get soft. You share your "Box" with eleven other guys. But worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't
that bad!

[guardsman]

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door, he leans up against the house with one hand and asks her "How about a blowjob?" His girlfriend exclaims "What! Are you crazy?!" The young guy says "Don't worry, it will be quick." His girlfriend answers back "No! Someone might see us!" The young guy insists "It's just a small blowjob and I know you like it." She says for a final time, "No! I said no!" The young guy says "Baby, don't be like that." Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the front door in her nightgown with her hair a mess, rubbing her eyes. She looks at her older sister and smirks "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself but for shit's sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!"

[user43687]

oh that was a GREAT one! Hahaha, thanks a lot guardsman!

[guardsman]

:lol: oh that was a GREAT one! Hahaha, thanks a lot guardsman!

You're most welcome, UberLamer!


An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found to his astonishment that his penis was as hard as a rock for the first time in years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. The old man exclaims "Check this out! What do you think we should do with it?" With one eye opened, his wife replies "Since you've got all the wrinkles out, now would be a good time to wash it."

[guardsman]

One afternoon, a woman came home just in time to catch her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next, she picked up a hacksaw. Her husband was terrified and screamed "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?!" The woman, with a gleam of revenge in her eye replies "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"

[annoyment]

Mad Max lulz

[guardsman]

Mad Max lulz

I'm glad that I could get a laugh out of you, annoyment~!


During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, a man asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across for growing hair was to drink pussy juice. Shocked, the mans exclaims "But you're balder than I am!" The barber replies "That's true but you've got to admit that I've got one Hell of a bushy mustache!"

[guardsman]

Late one night, three mice are sitting inside a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of scotch, pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth and then bench press it a hundred times." The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams down the shots and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and brags "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh, turns to the first two and says "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fμck the cat."

[guardsman]

A lady went to her doctor for a check-up. When she was asked how she got the bruises on the back of her thighs, she explained that she got them from having sex "Doggie style". The doctor told her that she would have to change positions until the bruises healed. The lady replies "Oh doctor, I can't ... My dog's breath is too awful!"

[guardsman]

A widow placed the usual death notice in the newspaper when her husband passed away but added that her husband had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." The widow replies "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than as the big shit that he really was!"

[guardsman]

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands' performance as a lover. The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we have sex. I like that." The second woman says "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps the bottom of my ass sometimes. I enjoy that." The third woman just shakes her head. When the other two ask her what is wrong, the third woman replies "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

[guardsman]

One day in the Emergency department of a hospital, a female punk rocker was admitted. The patient had purple hair, plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and just above it there was a tattoo which read "Keep off the grass." After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon attached a small sticky note to the dressing which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[guardsman]

One night, a farmer and his wife were lying in bed. The wife was knitting, and the husband was reading the latest issue of "Animal Husbandry". He looked up from the magazine and says to his wife "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully, smiles and answers "Oh, yeah? Prove it." The farmer frowned for a moment then said "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. about a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaims "Well, I'm pretty sure the cow and sheep didn't but by the way that pig is always squealing, how can I really tell?"

[guardsman]

A man visits his doctor and says "Doc, I think I've got a sexual problem. I can't 'Get it up' for my wife anymore." The doctor says "Return here tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the man shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife "Take off all of your clothes and lie down on the table." She does so. The doctor walks around the table a few times while looking at her up and down. He pulls the man to the side and says "You're okay. She doesn't give me a hard-on either."